10 ways to not suck at marriage
Asking for marriage advice is like asking the waiter/waitress what they like on the menu. We all have different taste buds and texture limitations. In marriage, we all have different personalities and love languages. Marriage is not a one size fits all type of deal. What works for you might not work for me and vice versa. However, there are some truths that are universal. Here is my list of 10 ways to not suck at marriage…
Quit comparing. Your marriage is your marriage. Find your normal and be okay with it.
Sacrifice A LOT. There is no such thing as a healthy marriage without sacrifice, so get over your pity-party. Stop whining about what the other person is or is not doing. Marriage is not a 50/50 thing. Marriage is a 100/100 thing. When you give 100% of yourself to someone else, sacrifice is no longer viewed as a negative thing. I sacrifice for my wife because I choose her.
Be loyal. It’s too easy not to be. Don’t flirt with others just because you can get away with it or because your spouse doesn’t give you what you want. Women are multipliers - We give them sperm, they give us a baby. We give them love, they give us respect. We give them crap, they give (fill in the blank, but it’s not pretty). My pastor, Channock Banet says, “If you don’t like what you’ve been getting, look at what you’ve been giving.”
Spend time together alone. Don’t focus so much on your kids that you neglect each other. The kids will leave one day, will you know the person you’re left with or will you go with your kids?
Have fun. Good Lord have fun! Remember how fun it was at first? The only reason you feel it isn’t fun now is because you let it become dull. You weren’t dull when you got married so don’t be dull now.
Be sexual with each other. The act of sex should be a given but that’s not what I’m talking about. You should be inappropriate with each other. (I can’t believe I have to clarify this but of course I’m talking about privately and only with each other). Send that naughty text, wear that sexy outfit, smack her booty, provoke him. Whatever floats your boat. Be inappropriately appropriate (if one of you is uncomfortable with something, it’s wrong to continue to push). But for the sake of your marriage, prove your interest in each other continually.
Don’t put your spouse down, especially in front of your kids. Too many people do this and it’s not okay. You don’t have to agree with everything they say and do, but how you confront someone is more important than the confrontation itself. Your kids are watching how you interact. Show them how to respectfully disagree and argue. Show them what it’s like to be in a mature relationship and what is to be expected from a significant other.
Fight fair. One of my favorite things about Julia is she fights fair. Even if she disagrees, she’s willing to put herself in my shoes and view things from my perspective. Remember, this is the person you love and respect. How can you not honor each other even in a disagreement? Even when one dishonors the other? We all have moments, but we must remember to be each other’s biggest fan.
Stop focusing on the negatives. This is the 80/20 principle. So many people give up on their spouse because of the 20% they don’t like about them. They end up trading in the incredible 80% for a fairy tale experience with someone who really doesn’t exist. There are so many amazing qualities about the person you chose to do life with. I said, ‘chose to do life with’ because when you said “I DO”, you really said “I DON’T” to everyone else. Pastor Kris Vallotton of Bethel Church once said, “Don’t marry the person you fall in love with. A fall is an accident, not the act of your will. If you fell once, chances are you can fall again for someone else. Grow in love because what you did on accident will need to be done on purpose.”
Understand that marriage doesn’t make you happy. Your happiness is your choice and a happy marriage is a by-product of a person who chooses to be joyful in spite of your external circumstances.